Moments Alone

I would love to have a day when the only person I need to worry about is myself. Some might call me selfish, but I think I'm just normal. Anyone that disagrees is, in my opinion, selfish for thinking they're right and I'm wrong. Anyway, enough finger-pointing but I feel a little guilty for feeling the way I feel. Maybe I feel guilty because for 25 years I didn't have to worry about anyone but me and after just a year+ as a wife and less as a mom I crave time for me, me, ME!!!

I think some might confuse this, like I don't love my son or my husband enough, but that isn't the case. One might say it's because I was an only child and didn't really learn how to worry about others except on their birthdays and some holidays, fair enough. Contrary to the opinions of others which, unfortunately, I pay too much attention to, I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL SELFISH FOR WANTING ME-TIME!!

Breastfeeding is the big one. I know it's the best for Liam...I'm a breastfeeding counselor for crying out loud, but the kid wants to nurse-nap. This means rather than nursing for nourishment (a.k.a. "draining the tank" and getting on with the show), he'll nurse on empty and sleep. So, when he falls asleep, I try to put him down to get a few things done, just a few...that's all I ask, and BAM! Those eyes pop open and he's reaching for my chest. I know, I know, it's for comfort and I'm all for that - it feels good to be able to provide that comfort but Jesus H. Smith!!! I could take a shower, clean the house (or at least one room), make some food, read something for pleasure (which otherwise I have to take a bathroom break for after Dad gets home), do my hair (rare these days), paint my toenails, or even something really crazy like take a nap myself!

Some days I do get me-moments. Today I did and I started a blog. I hope to keep up with it, even though I know I can't always make it a priority during naps or we'd have an even filthier house and no food. My friend with three little, close-together children, she writes a really super blog. When? When, my friend, do you find the time?

My husband, he's not such a worry. He'd be fine making dinner but I know it's much more fun to not have to worry about dinner when you get home from working all day, so I like to make dinner. HOWEVER, I stress myself out about it on those days Liam is insatiable at dinner-making time and is not content anywhere but the boob. Then I get behind schedule I get a little irritated with Grant like he called and said, "you better have dinner ready when I get home, or else." Why do I do that? I told him I was nutty but he still wanted to marry me.

Aside from craving any kind of a me-moment (like a shower when I'm the only one in the bathroom), I would also like to be able to stick to a routine. Ok, maybe a routine is too much to ask, but at least a plan for the day. Because of these irritations I have developed an opinion: I think, naturally, women are designed to me mothers much earlier than 25. Why? I'll tell you.

It's all about the pre-frontal cortex of your brain. It, sort of, shuts down during your adolescent to early-twenties period of life. Naturally, this is when you are taking risks like "leaving the nest" and starting your own life. You don't really have set rules about how your life runs and you're more flexible and open to other ideas. So, if there's a fussy baby trying to get you to sit in one spot for an hour so that they can sleep "plugged in" it's more acceptable. Once you get to your mid-twenties you're more set in your ways and when something throws a kink in those ways it's much more unsettling. Someone should do a study on it.

Anyway, I sound like I hate being a mom, but as soon as I hear a peep from Liam I'll be so excited to see his jolly eyes round down as his chubby cheeks perk up when he smiles and reaches for me to pick him up. After an hour by myself it just gets boring anyway.